My Heart's Desire Love's Curse
by InsanityamI
Summary: No one suffered as much as Ianto when Jack left. slash, JackIanto, some spoilers. Combination of Love's Curse, Lightning Bolt and My Heart's Desire. AU from after series 1
1. Lightning Bolt

**Lightning Bolt**

I'm not quite sure when it happened, when I fell in love with my boss. It just happened, even after I swore to hate him after Lisa was mur…became deceased. That sounds cold, doesn't it? Deceased. A word I will never have to apply to him.

I remember when I first met Jack Harkness, we met at a bar for my interview. Of all the places he could choose. He hired me as soon as he saw me, no need to look at my CV, just bought me a drink and told me I looked good in a suit. He winked at me and told me where to go on Monday. I couldn't believe it was that easy. Mad, insane. Two words commonly associated with Captain Jack Harkness. I swear he pinched my ass on the way out.

I turned up at the tourist office where he had told me to wait at 9 am. It was in complete disarray. I couldn't believe anyone could live like this. As was natural habit I started putting things into decent piles. Better but not brilliant. I nearly jumped out of my skin when the door opened, revealing the Captain himself. I allowed a cool exterior when inside my stomach went to mush, sign number one.

He smiled and beckoned me to follow him. That was the day I met the rest of the team. Tosh struck me as a high-class lady, like me I guess, except in girl form. Owen, total stuck up prat and Suzie…I didn't really know what to make of her. The glove had just turned up that morning and she was working. My first job; make everyone a cup of coffee each. I smirked internally; I knew exactly what blend each person would like. My Mam always commented that were coffee was concerned I was physic. I wasn't wrong. First Test passed and an ass squeeze from the boss.

"Careful Sir, that's harassment." He found it hilarious and I found myself using it time and time again. I sneaked Lisa in on that first night, having worked out the building plans that very day. A quarter of the building was practically unused. Perfect. I suppose I knew at the time that Lisa was beyond salvation, but I couldn't let her die without trying to save her. It was too hard to see those beautiful brown eyes and not believe there was something still there, a little light inside her eyes, the hope of humanity.

Everything was fine for a while, I got settled in, totally overqualified for my job but it was satisfying to see the place look and feel clean. It also helped that without my coffee they wouldn't get half their work done. Then Gwen stumbled onto the little secret. I'll admit it amused me seeing her walk in with those pizzas. I tried to reassure her that she was safe and ok, but she was too innocent to realise. She had no idea what she was getting into. Torchwood left scars on people. That's what Canary Wharf did to me. People dying all around me, hiding from Cybermen and Dalek alike. It was a close one. I was one of just under 30 survivors. 1 of 1000 employees. That was a cold day. I pushed aside the hurt and pain, lived only for Lisa.

I was shocked by Suzie's betrayal I'll admit, but not overly surprised. No one leaves Torchwood without being severely affected, whether it be by death or Recon. I was not surprised, but shocked, when Gwen joined the team. She didn't belong in Torchwood. Difficult decisions, events happened too often; her innocence wouldn't be able to take that sort of beating. I'll admit I was wrong; I underestimated her again.

The events that followed were sheer hell, cannibals, weevils and the like. Each event pushing me closer to Jack. Even Lisa's death pushed me; Jack made me see that sometimes shit happens, you just have to deal with it. I think that was the closest I ever came to realising I loved him at the time – but I disguised it as hate. I had just lost what was left of my time at Torchwood 1. I ended up in Jack's bed after the cannibal incident. Or rather he ended up in mine. He had taken me home, carefully dressing and re-dressing my bruised ribs. We didn't have sex, but he did stay with me all night. It wasn't until a few weeks later we made love.

Then Tosh mentioned to Gwen about the real Jack Harkness, about how absolutely '_Titanic_' it was that our Jack had to leave him for duty. I remember that night well; I wouldn't let Jack through my front door. In the end I got sick of him pounding, even after I told him to go away. I snuck out the back door, down the alley, went to the local pub and got a drink. Ironically the same one Jack and I first met. He sat next to me and ordered a pint, his eyes never once leaving my face. I resisted the urge to look at him. He knew I knew. We drank in silence. He gently touched my back, letting me know nothing. He offered no excuses, just a simple:

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

Not sorry that he'd snogged another man though I suppose. But I had to remember, we had no formal arrangement, he wasn't exclusively mine and I wasn't exclusively his. This point hit me.

Ironically a good-looking man then walked over, proceeding to chat me up. I gave Jack what I hoped was a nonchalant look and danced with the guy. I took the stranger home, but when it came down to it, I couldn't. I asked the grumbling man to leave, his parting words to me being, "If you love him so much, why did you bother leading me on?" It wasn't the second part that bothered me, I'd been called worse, but the first part. I loved Jack Harkness. I could barely believe it.

The next day he 'died'. I _couldn't_ believe it. I just stood there, shocked, I guess I thought it wasn't possible. I had to get out of that room. Gwen sat there hoping, I went around in a daze hoping. Neither of us wanting to totally give. I did everything I could to revive the images of Jack, I smelt his coat, I walked in his room, I even went down to his room, though I was there only a minute, I touched nothing. Then he came back, I stood there, watching him hug Tosh and Gwen beaming a smile which made me hope for her too, then he kissed me and my hope was revived. Everything would be all right, wouldn't it? He had forgiven Owen, Gwen, Tosh, me. I forgave him.

Then he disappeared, and my world came crashing down.

* * *

COOKIES 


	2. My Heart's Desire

**My Heart's Desire**

Jack looked around the Hub; it was as if he'd never left. In his office anyway, everywhere else was a mess. There were dangerous artefacts in plain sight, a decomposing body in the autopsy room and what the hell was that pile of goop? Jack was damned near ashamed that the team had let this happen. True, the Doctor couldn't get them home earlier then six months after Saxon died, simply because there was a possibility that they would accidentally follow the wrong time line and end up doing the year again.

Where was everyone? He spotted someone in the kitchen, "You there!" The girl turned round, it wasn't Tosh or Gwen, what the hell was going on?

"Who are you?" He demanded, feeling for his gun.

"I am Emily Dakota, Ianto Jones's replacement." Jack stood there in shock. The one he really felt guilty about leaving, the only one he had given a personal promise to.

"Where's Ianto?" Jack asked, dreading the answer.

"No idea, just got up and left one day. Said it was destroying him to be here."

"Well he didn't put it like that." Jack spun around to see the team waltz in, all looking decidedly pale, like they'd seen a ghost. Then Tosh ran forward and hugged him; Gwen followed the suite. Then it came to Owen.

"What the hell did you punch Jack for, Owen?!" Owen glared darkly at Jack.

"Ianto. You think I can't recognise a broken man? He kept his cool; I'll give him that. But five months whizzed past, I only saw him break done into tears once, when we had to complete a report on your disappearance. Something Ianto wanted to do himself, tears spilling all the time. He stopped three times. His release. I had his resignation on my desk the next morning. No one has seen or heard from him since." Jack stared at Owen, seeing the blaze in his eyes, the blatant fury. He understood.

"Has he been retconned?" Jack's voice was oddly broken. His fault…all his fault.

"Well, we-"

"I don't want a story, yes or no?" His voice gained a harsh quality. All three shook their heads in the negative.

"Find him."

Jack retreated to his office and found a letter addressed to his, in Ianto's unmistakable handwriting. He broke the seal with nimble fingers.

_Dearest Jack,_

_It has been five months now Jack, and I have just written your official MIA report. I can't take it anymore Jack, I need you desperately. I can't think, I can't eat, I can't sleep. Damn I sound like a teenager with a simple crush. This isn't simple Jack – I love you, and I thought you loved me too. I'm in Limbo._

_Own thinks I haven't cried once since you left, he's wrong. I've cried every night without fail. I dream of you, only to have the dream cruelly ripped away. I'll never forget the first night we made love, you told me you couldn't' offer me forever, just now. I thought I could handle that, but I can't. Besides, how was I to know the 'now' was over? No note Jack, no mention of leaving. Do you know how used I felt? Just a toy until the Doctor came?_

_Yes I know all about the Doctor, everyone who worked in Torchwood 1 knew. I also knew you were his companion. Great, let me know if he's a great shag will you? Oh, right, you're not here. _

_If you ever read this Jack, and I doubt you will, I wish to say that regardless of most of what I have written, I, Ianto Jones, love you, Captain Jack Harkness. For better or for worse you son of a bitch._

_Ianto Jones_

_Teaboy and part-time shag._

"Jack! Ianto has a flat in London? What's the plan?" Tosh saw the tear streaks down Jack's face, and the steely determination.

"We're going to bring him home."

_TBC._


	3. Love's Curse

**Love's Curse**

"Jack's gone!" One sentence from Gwen was all it took for Ianto to break. But ever the unemotional tea-boy he didn't let the others see it.

They searched for him for days; they failed. The nights were the worst; Ianto had nothing to keep him busy, so the memories, the dreams came. Jack holding him, Jack kissing him, Jack loving him. He was more then just a part time shag…or was he? Jack just left him without a word. This was worse then believing Jack was dead because regardless of what the others said he knew Jack had left of his own free will. At Torchwood 1 there was plenty of information on the Doctor, and a single picture of Jack Harkness with him. It didn't take a genius to work it out.

So Ianto was alone again, family to fall back on, no lover, no life to lead. He quit Torchwood and left Cardiff. Left his home and returned to London to ingratiate himself in a boring nine-to-five job. Not Torchwood, but perhaps that was a blessing. The team didn't bother retconning him, they knew Ianto would keep a secret. Besides they needed all the retcon they had – Jack was the only one who knew the final ingredient. They didn't keep in touch.

Almost six months passed and Ianto followed the same routine, his heart still broken, but with no more tears to shed. Lisa was dead, Jack had left him and the team didn't bother to keep him from leaving. What was there stopping him from dieing? A single bullet was all he needed, with a single gun he had stolen from Jack's desk six months ago. Deep inside him there had been a flicker of hope that maybe the glamour of Time Travel would wear off. It didn't seem likely. He loaded the gun, put the barrel to his head and he took a deep, slow breath.

"No!"

Ianto pulled the trigger in shock.

_**Bang**_

The bullet hit the American directly in the chest, his accidental aim to shoot the intruder accurate.

"Fuck." Came another voice, the team were there, as was a man and a woman. Ianto couldn't think, the world grew faint as he saw black...

Ianto Jones reluctantly opened his eyes, he was in his bed. Was it a dream?

"Hey." The soft American word dissolved that belief before it began. Ianto broke down once more but this time he felt the warmth of Jack Harkness surround him. Everything would be all right, eventually.

Fin


End file.
